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SOUTHAMPTON AND DISTRICT PICTORIAL.
September 25, 191a.
In Lighter Vein.
ROUND THE TOWN.
j was honoured by the presence of Royalty, Queen ' Alexandra coming over from Osborne in a steam launch, accompanied by Prince Edward and Prinoo i I George (the present King), who were then quit®
By T. Jfly

"A snapper up of unconrid»Tel trifles."—&hak<%-
aU -want a Ooboral educe't jo n, no lot us proceed to bolt this education at aix inches pur month, leaving the remainder of tho time for the hobbiea, iJfcy. philanthropy, and -work. I have looked owe toe list compiled by tho wort&y Dr. Bliot, mod find among them the following: "Life oi Benjamin Frankjyn," "Journal of Jiim Wool man," WiUiam'a Ponn's "Fxwts of Solitude," Milton's Tractate of Education," and Sir Thomaa Browne's "Religio Medico." In the first plaoc, yon wifl notioo there is no Sbakespesro, no Don *; Quixote, do Dickens, no Thackeray; in fact, there ii no fun at all, onjy culture. Pcopio might bo r pardoned for thinking the -worthy doctor is pulling off a Joke on humanity; for my part, I think ho !• suffering from insomnia. It is nice to bo able i to educate; H give* one a fine aenae of import-anoe, and I abound like to introduce a new System of oduoation, in a nutshell, to show things •a they reaOy are. That's eduoiUon, and I about to* educate. (Hoar, hear.)
When the sppkwise hua died away I will, like the adhoolmaster, begin with the moat common objects. The, moat common object says the woman next door, is her husband. WeS, we will beg»n with theai peculiar creatures. - They do \ Dot burrow, they only borrow. The husband is a . thing soma people have, and is also the thing that others are saving up to got. Husbands then in the first place are animated meal tickets. Their mole mis son in life is to touch the oaah register and look pleasant. They have peculiar habits, but this may be explained by the foot that their career Is crowded full of ca: dicrotic ennui and overdue bills, lhe husband never really overcomes these difficulties until it is time to "cash in" on the life in.
It is a noticeable fact that very few 1 live any longer than is absolutely nscem-.. unless they have by some means become ? pked to some sylph with a handful of " Home Bails," who ia also gifted with a very pliable
_r. _ .in thoso days, when a fresh 6gg can look a two shilling piece in the faod without blink-ing, sod the price of bacon makes a man's eyes roll so much that he cannot find the way home, .it requires real strength to become a husband with the idea of remaining in the buaiuu* any length of time. It was all very well for the post to weave fine poetry about Horatius on the Midge, and someone eke hacking away like a ' *"T oar, but give me the roal hero, ho who in ell swoop gels inariied and undertakes to out-Suoiid ana knock spots off mathematics by round the appetites of seven in family ,CO a low wage. Borne husbands are domestic in WMBOtcr, and prefer to remain indoors, doing ; Aretwoit or coram* apples rather than patronise the flowing bowL
* * *
Others of a different species would rather start rat after supper to knock off the spots. They ; latum, however, wearing the look of a man who |us by some means or another come into violent with a very wllcky fly paper. The flnest MIS are those who are caught young. Many Bsoflo think they are reverting to type, and have tamed the oorne\r back to the anthropoid ape. ; Taera is a special brand noticeatln of late known as "the henpecked" style. This kind of husband falls to sleep when he ought to a*ert his humanity with a broo-n. When a husband lose* his front teeth and his patience, he is said to be " off," and 'is sometimos changed for another wi»h the haoli-hood of an Arctic explorer.
81.'
Wives are very useful article* of furniture, for flfl thj» home with joy, and elrcases that have _j fltUJd on with a rope and piflley. This fitting is generally attended to by a morose cres tare known as a husband (diagnosed above). Ho is •ailed upon to run nervous fingers up and down his wifes spinal column several times a day in parch of the elusive hook and eye. This is very Interesting, though a dangerous practice. The" vamkh on the room door should be covered with mm. cloths, for varnish cannot stand hand painted language After s man he. been battling in the Oity all day what is mors heartbreaking than to be led up and down a fourteen inch waist, and invited to engage in a oatch-a-Katch-can wrestling match with 2345 buttons, which are harder to locate y*n % small boy aftpr ho has broken your win-
—«ne wives are designed especially as ornamental beings to lord charm to the drawing-room. They are really paid guests, hubby finds the money, and wifey the gentry. This kind o» wife mood, the greater pert of the day in some-bodys matching departmew, while others spemd much time xn the boudoir wrestling with danger, ems looking curling iron, snd psmalde. They generally place all the hair on top. You may have aseo amular designs on pats of butter Is the dairy shop round the comer. There la s great de-mand at present for wives who fan go about the boose without s psid girl, thus saving iHrecpence in stamp* Hut theme wives are about as plentiful as frookloj on a black ipaniel dog. Some wive* ** a, pieotiful mipply ef breesy talk, which thev generally let loose on a man just when he wants to go to Ween and get a breathing spell. Under (he marriage laws a woman is expected to get along on & small wee&lv allowance and two bits of kiw delivered m semi-annual allowances, or on occ.i-Wgmal dividend days This Instalment plsn Is ssid
to have brought about the suffrage movement. * * *•
Q>pvant<* sajr* mmmAoro m "Don Quixote " E *>*»" " Rimed I. he who Dmt invonl.od
which rcndoni a man impervious to life's fretful ills and the night-wailing oat., It abo enables him to forget that a collection is being taken to educate tiio heathen to the use of the shaving brush. Sleep is a very handy thing to btivtl about the house. When a man's wife Begins to do *the intellectual "can-can" about " Leghorn" or Plymouth Bock hats, what is mors ctmvoniont than to fall off to sleep? Yquoan__g6t to sleep very quickly, and can drop into an easy chair with the "neglige" attitude of a tax-foot guest in a three-foot hath. Shakespeare played a trick on humanity when he wrote " Sleep, nature's sweet restorer/' It is quite clear that the worthy William never passed a night in a rodn immediately above a tourist whose vocal machinery could emit a snore that would knock out the slide of a trombone.
P«trhap* you have never boon awakened by such a snore. It is a blood-curdling affair, which seem* to iitart from the starry heavens, jumps on to the roof, and then work* its way down three flights of stains with a crescendo like a factory whistle em overtime. Tire Is one great reason why town dwdlers wear such a dry, weird look, and show signs of intermittent spasm*. Sleep affects people vory differently. A small fly will keep seme men awake for hours, yet when it is time to get up and throttle the alarum clock, you could run a seven-Inch hat pin through him without unclamp in* him from his dewy bed. Some of our congregations do most of their sleeping in church, which generally set* the choir off like a tuning-fork struck by lightning. It Is f-aid that much deep takes place in police courts, despite the fact that the Goddess of Justice threatens to drop the scales on the heads of the offenders.
my knowledge of chemistry that I ought to have had at school that oaone misted only in chemical lahmratories, and the advertisement* of summer hotels and resort*. In Australia they are going *>ut this lazy stuff to work at the water ». Ozone Is very shy and retiring, but the authorities are not going to have ozone idle about the town. ITiey are going to use It to purify the water supply, and this is how it is to be done according to the " Rlertrio NewsH:
Direct.or alternating current Is taken from the ordinary light circuit, and by a transformer is stept up to eight thousand volts. The high voltage produces in the ozoner a silent electric discharge, com or ting the ordinary <1.mo*pheric air drawn through the otomer into ozone. In other words, mind your own bumnems as to how it Is done. We only know that ozone will get into th* water mmehow, and mske itself generally use-
And I notice that oxygon is having a turn, too. Now this is the season for football. It will be a hot, close race while it lasts. The referees have emerged from their entrenchments, and printing prwue* will groan for some months. Now a scientist » going to make experiments on footballers with oxygen. Ho is going to dose them with the stuff until they show the white eye. Oxrgen judiciously mlxcd with hydrogen, nitrogen, and the odour of beef and cabbage cannot harm the robust town-dweller, providing his constitu-won is normal. I do not, however, favour oner indulgence. A little oxygen now and again for the healths eak* may be all very well, but how about the weak manP I should hate to know that any man had been haled before the police court for ex ooeding the speed limit at work, or throwing some, ono down three flights of stairs, or even overturn tng the harmless electric car When I think of ^ wrecked- I begin to wl* that this Irish medical man had overlooked oxygen Oxygen In the hands of (rat* readers might be dangerous for the man who writes, or attempts to lecture on husbands, wives, etc.
every manager of note in London rejected it until Mr. Oscar Ashe took a sporting chance and produced it, and produced a succcn* that was in-santaneoua. The accommodation of. the Gar nek Iheatro (its original home) was quite inadequate from tho outset and the lease, constantly renewed. could not outlive the steady interest t he-play hid arouwd. There are big audiences yet awaiting it both in London and the provinces, and whou Mr. A.slio returns from Australia lie will have to erect a thoarre especially to accommodate the wishes of these.
Mr. Hayden Coffin, who delighted audiences at the Pier laot Friday, in addition to being an nccompliahed singer a d a charming por?onality, can tell a good story. He tells one against him self He me: an American actor, whote business in life was to play "Coffin" part* in provincial touring companies, and after some conversation h) akm met the gentleman's wife, an altogether charming lady, of course, but she took the great «Lond-)n actor's breath away by recognising him at once, "Ah," she exclaimed. "I've heard
___________ ... _ sport, and they
spent nearly the whole of the afternoon and a part of the evening on board. We well remember tho Roval Princes and Viscount Royston (afterwards Earl of Hardwicke) amusing themselves by climbing up the rigging and seeing who could seat themselves on the crosstrees of the Susan first. Mr. John Pickett it he hon. treasurer of the West Quay Tlegatla Club) was then the mtarter (muo. cecding in that oflice the late Mr. Thomaa Stock-ham, who was the founder of the West Quay Re-galta Club, and the "father ' of regattaa m tha south, and who had oflkialed at liamble for many yearm, he being always ready to lend a helping hand in carrying out the sport of which ho was so devoutly fond), *bile the writer of this article olflcialed aa timekeeper, as he had done more than once before. For severs! year* afterwards there was no regatta, but it was resuscitated again when the late Mr. W. S. Luke transferred his

from Itcjien-ferr
Humble.



Tho "All Black" warship in Jho docks is on*, of the nioiuroaque louche* in tEat rtgion of the yrsctlcal. This vessel is the larger portion ot the Liberian Na\y, and it is called the Ivy. At one time it was nothing more warlike than a twin-s."Ti>w yacht, but tho craze for armament* having bitten Liberia, it has become that country's Dreadnought. Meanwhile tho epertaclo of the negro Republiains doing all manner of dirty wora In their church parade doth** is inspiring the dock hands, accustomed to the cemmon-plaocd drab news of our own navy's fatigue, with distinct feci-
ho nlsn Menu in
Uuke others tuck
from Humble to Bursletloi
etarv, and was Tying out tho arrange-
_____ On the. death of Mr.
on the regatta affairs, and the n legal phrase, was changed

• it has been held
Ludgw of the
The South
Society open Uio r autumn »-K>iou at the Loelg. Art Gallery, on the evening qf October 1st,
room. Art Uallonr, on the evening uf October l*t,
whon Miss E. M. Green, the ksril ;«reeid« nt, w ill mad a psptr, " Evoiution of thu Soul. A ^ u, good many |*o$de CghL shy of Theosephy becsuao *hich it is an 'taut essentially now, but there is nc rcsmm why thia should bo true, as Mia. Annie Bessnt, the most prominent of the English Thw#»
phials, has put it, " Theosophy eloe* net sfk you to lesve vour religion, but to live it." The South empton Lodge meetings are opem to the public.
_________ ________ gatta for 1912 took pi a,
on Frwfav last, and afforded, sa usual, * great smount ol smueemrnt. The namea of Scovell and Luke are still pmminmt in carrying out the mport. Mr. W G. Luke (son of the late Mr. W h. Luke) being the stsrter. snd Mr. Robert Bcovsll (son of the Isto Mr. Robert Scovell) wsm ens of the judges. Mr. George K. Psrker is the hon. secretary, a pom-tiun he hss held for the past thirteen yesra, and in which he ha* done yeoman xcrxicc. Tho regatta is well patronised, the funds subscribed amount-Ing to over flOO. and owners who have been mtesr-ing their own rkrers during the psat season were at the helm of some of the competing craftm. Among them we noticed Sir Ralph St. G. Gore, Hurt, (owner of the 8 metre The Truant). Mrs. Shenley (who owns Spero), and Mr. C. Rivett Carnac. of Hythe, who formerly owned the 6 metre The Whim, and still retains his Heroine and (Ksqa for handicap matchea. Then there were racing skipper. In the "midst of the frav, these in-eluding Captaur%lf. Diaper, of Itchen-fernv who


The resignation of Mr. P. g. Clay, Chief Con-*ablo of Nottingham, hss reoslled thst gumlc-UKut and his n*uiy-«iei«xl versatility to Bouthaiui^ tomans. Itonle In this town like to remember Mr. Clay rslher as a poet thsn ** it* Chief Cm*-stable, and there are many who rooolloct not only Coronation poem and other vnr*a, but also his
Lhme*
Hie visit of Gevnorul Sir Robert Haekni-Powell, h.C.B., an Wednesday next, comes at a time when the Chief Soout ii a person of peculiar interest. A newly engaged man is always a per ton of peculiar interest to all the world that loves a lover, end Sir Robert has just beousne ongsgwl W M"" OlaveGt.WairGoames,nf LUIiput, Dorset. Miss Soaines is as fond of things "out of door " as the hero of Mafeking, so that the rratnh in that, as well as other directions, is on* Of the happiest. Sir Robert Bsden-Powell, thinly disguised, is one of the heroic figure* of a novel that was and still Is ouo of the outstanding sue of successive literary utawn^" Tho Dop iridly the siege
Tho sterunboat cxaur^ion season is ale*ing as pleasantly as it opened-whttevor the inieldJe ol it was like. The .glaring sunlight of the psat few days and the keen touch in tho air have given the finest possible «>nd tions for short tea voyaging*. On Sunday then* wa* enough brecse to give a swiiic to the I mats, and to ewbls one to appreciate the fact that the traveller was journeying en something mow ambitious than an Tho crisp, bright
>11 with the 15 metre yacht Istria. aid up at Gosport, where she was built from a design by Mr.p. E. Nicholson: Cap-in S. Randall, of Hythe (master of Sir Maurice Fitzgerald's fine yacht Julnar), Cantam E. Diaper (skipper of the 7 metre Ginevra. the champion of her class again this year, aa she was last and ~ " i sailing Mr. Peter Derham s
„ .... jkipper of the 8 metre Spero. ling Mr. Shenley's cutter Hobby, and who had the good fortune to secure the "blue ribbon " of the day. ths first prime (silver cmks basket) in ths race for bens flde cruisers. The day proved very flna. with s cspitsl breess. which ensbled all the msillng mslches to ** flnishsd m good time for the crews in the respective beats to take pprt in ths rowing snd othsr events, whla wers numereuslv contested, snd afforded no and of amusement. A gig from the Roysl yscht Ale:-andrs. snd ens belonging to ths Roysl yscht Os-borno competed in tho rowing events.
FORTHCOMING DOG SHOW AT SOUTH-AMPTON.
The annual dog show, under the auspices of the Southampton and District Canine Association, open to Hants, Wilts, and Dorset, will be held on Wedneedsy, ths 9th October, in the Victona Rooms. In addition to the prize-money and ribbons, several challenge cups and valuable specials will be competed for by all breeds. The judge will be Captain Beamish for bull dogs, Mr. U. LI. Mansel for gun dogs, and Mr. W. J. Nichol* for tho reminder of the exhibits. The management hope that all dog fanciers will endeavour to make the show as big a success as last year by en-i tering their animals. Schedules and full particulars can be obtained from Mr. W. F. Giblin (hem. , sec.), 30, Harbero' road, Southampton; or at the West Station Hotel, Southampton West, the headquarters of the Association.
A young nun who .r.ivod from Germany ___
nod in tko Federal Army of Amcric in 1861. On
"MwMan/;
H mf growled the olflcer. "Toe had. we don't avo pianos in the regimental bands! Well, you'll . avo to play a cornet."
"But I don't know how to play the cornet," protested the recruit.
"Nobody need know Ihst.'.' maid ths ofllorr. All you have to do is to hold the instrument to vour lips and puff out your chocks, being careful not to make a soundf and everybody will think you »ro Playing."
Tho recruit was assigned to a certain regiment and placed under the orders of its drum major.
uniform he psrsded the mtreets of Washington wilh him fellow muaidanm, bravely holding a re met to his lips, but emitting no sound
LONDON'S ATTRACTIONS
. ____________________In connection with tho London theatrical season
land river. The crimp, bright air was tunic, and the many exhibition* now cnen In the and since the moon w-aa full and radiant tho night Metropolis, a Cook's special trip will leave the run home had its tilvery attraction. Only the Southampton (Terminus) Stetson at 12.40 p.m. Wmd-eyvd, empty hotels of Cowcs advertised tlw next Wednesday for London. It will oall at local fact that the ae*aon was practically ever. stations. Tickets and particulars are obtainable
at the Southampton Office* of Messrs. The*. CoOk * and Son.
E%S"b%^t
_ . g liien also
»peer to ho a vaslec^mmlity of nogs and chd-drcm, wiW: prcnouncM vocal proclivities, than even in London. There are »j*o inspired people who hammer things without dimoretion, but wilh vie-lence, ic the mmall houm of the morning. Even the eollection pistes m chumh make more none thsn In any other town—perhsps there is a big^tr coUectionl
, hs* somcthiug to mhcut, and « of bumping.
A week or two later the colonel of that regiment said to the drum major:
"My wife is giving a little party to-night, and I promised to get her a man to plav the piano. Is there ono of your men who can 'play dance
"Ask him " said the colonel.
The recruit wss amked. He maid he could man-age it all right, so ho warn told to report to the colonel'* wife that evening.
And he made a hit. So cleverlv did he play waltzes and polkas that he became in great request for officers' parties.
Tho war dragged on. The regiment went to the front, but this recruit was left behind in Washington where he played at parties several times a week, until he was mustered out with his follows in 1865, never having been out of Washing-
He is still alive, and—drawing a pension.
Outgoing Americana am a inc a new idea that Mr. !
Jus provided. That confirm the Atlantic' Union neUl la that in England the motorists ga.ve two " toots before thev killed a man. In Amorica Ih gsvs one "toot." and that l-reparation for eternity
inent enjoy-of Chicago, _i dinner of Friday, explained
thej only
Ths snnusl r^alta In Hsmbls Rlv« .
havs finished snd meet of the ' flvcrm" having gnne into *ml«* quartern. In years_*me by the regstts wss held off the vlllsgs of Hambls. and there those whe tcok an active psrt In the event included the. I#te Mr. Robert Scovell Mnd his -brother (Mr. George Scovell), who for eeversl Yf" hon. mecretsry. Oir^ne occaalcn
Admiral Fullerton (now Sir JoW^FUIIerton. and who was then In romme*Ln&/th . Revsl Yschi) warn the hon. accretary. In that )*ar tte regatta
ST. JOHN AMBULANCE ASAOCXATION.
Classes in connection with the Southampton Centre of the St. John Ambulance Association commence vory shortly At the Alma, re ad Schools, Wools ton, men's first aid classes will be held on October 7th, at 7.30, and ladies' classes are announced on the following day at 33, High-street. At the Central Schools, Argyle-road, ladies' and men's first aid classes are being held under the Education Department, while at the Western District Schools a ladles* first aid class is to be held on Friday evening. Ths fees are very moderate, and full particulars may be seen in our advertising columns.
A NEW LIFE SAVING PATENT.
Particulars are advertised of the Graham Patent Boat Davit, which has been erected at Rice's yard. Northsm. It is claimed to be the safest, quickest, cheapest, and lightest known, and should appeal to all interested in saving life at sea. Daily demonstrations are given to enable all to see tho manner in which it is worked.
MARINE EXCURSIONS.
The pleasure steamer Alleyn will make long day excursions to Southsea every day (his week, including Sunday. Leaving the Royal Pier at 8.40 a.m.. the return journey is not made until 8.15 p.ni. The fare, aa will be seen in our advertisement columns, ia very moderate. Pleasant trips have been arranged for Wednesday, Saturday, and Sunday, whan Sea View v.ill be visited.
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